Peace out, 2017.

It seems that everyone had a whirlwind of a year. I know that 2017 was by far my hardest year of life yet. If you follow me on twitter, you already know by some of my tweets.

If I’m being honest, I can’t even tell you how my year started. The first six months or so of this year I felt like I was just going through the motions, riding the wave of life… little did I know life as I knew it was just gearing up to crash down.

According to my Instagram feed I did a lot of the typical things I enjoy doing. Reading books, going to book stores, and listening to vinyl records, but of course those are the things I allowed people to see.

I looking back at it, I knew at the time I wasn’t genuinely happy. As previously stated, I was just going through the motions. I was in a relationship that felt very one sided.

Everything was emotionally draining and I lost passion for most things in my life. It was all school, work, and this relationship. I stopped reading books, I didn’t pick up my camera for months, and I didn’t attend any concerts.

I basically lost touch with the person that I truly was. I wasn’t happy, I no longer knew who I was and what made me happy. Many nights were spent crying in bed not feeling good enough for the people in my life.

June was a major turning point. Even though it was obvious that the relationship I was in wasn’t going so well it still came as a shock to me when he ended it all.

Basically everything before June was a blur, looking back on it the month of June feels like a wasted month. I didn’t celebrate my birthday other than a few hours at Disneyland the night before.

In July and August were the months I started to rediscover myself. Picking up my camera again, hanging out with friends, chopping my hair off and dying it purple, writing poetry and reading books again.

Late August I started seeing a therapist, it wasn’t until then that I realized how much my relationship had taken a huge toll on my mental health. My friends and family were so proud that I finally decided to take this huge step. Therapy had been something I had always contemplated. I’m super proud of the decision I made to do so, it has helped tremendously.

In September I started dating again, which I quickly realized that I wasn’t emotionally ready for the way the dating world developed. The last time I had a “first date” was May 2015 and oh my things changed in just two short years.

The absolute highlight of my September was seeing Hamilton The Musical. It was bitter sweet, but more sweet than bitter. I bought the tickets in April and had planned to go with my ex, but things don’t always go as planned. My best friend Beth stepped in and went with me and I can easily say it was one the greatest night of my year. I think I would even go as far as saying it was one of the greatest nights of my life.

October flew by, the Dodgers were in the post season and I wasn’t prepared for the emotional rollercoaster that was their epic playoff run. Which included some of the best games I’ve ever witnessed. Honestly, that’s really all that my October consumed of, oh, and carving a pumpkin during Game 5 of the World Series.

Holy shit, November hit me like a ton of bricks. I had heard of people suffering seasonal depression or heightened depression around the holidays, but I had never experienced anything like it.

Leading up to Thanksgiving I felt super anxious. I didn’t realize why until it finally clicked, it was my first major holiday being single in two years. I didn’t think it would affect me as much as it did.

On Thanksgiving day I had the worse panic attack I ever experienced. I felt completely alone even though I was surrounded by people. Which was weird because the only thing that made me feel better was to be alone. Maybe the people around me weren’t giving me enough attention and just made noise. *shrugs*

I was more prepared come Christmas, I expected the anxiety which made it easier to prepare for it when it came on full force. I kept myself busy, threw a party and read a few books this month. Plus my new baby nephew was born on the 26th, which topped of this year much better than I could have Imagined.

I couldn’t have gotten through this year without the support of my friends and family. Especially my older brothers, whom I got tremendously close with after my relationship ended and I felt completely alone.

So, thank you for being part of my life this year. To those of you who just came into my life this year and have stuck around, thank you for giving me a chance. Thank you for not giving up on me just yet, even though I’m still going through rough patches.

I’m so prepared to say goodbye to 2017 and welcome 2018 with open arms. I’ve never really felt this way about a new year before, but there are so many possibilities to come as I continue to rediscover who I am.

Sincerely,

Kim Cisneros